legolas' suicide letter (kinda)
by indie2
Summary: The title explains it. Except it never mentions suicide and it has a happy ending.


Note to whoever: I am actually a huge Legolas fan, but the idea just popped into my head.  
  
If you don't like the subject of suicide I don't mention it much, it mainly just Legolas whining about people.  
  
Don't own LotR and so on.  
  
  
  
1  
  
2 Legolas's suicide letter  
  
Dear Father,  
  
I thought going on this quest would make you proud of me and I thought it would make me look manlier and I would have something to annoy my grandchildren with. I can just imagine it, me sitting in a rocking chair by the fire with all of them sitting on the floor around me listening avidly and I would say. "Those were the days, being spied on by evil birdies, running away from Balrogs and listening to Gimli go on, and on, and on, and on about caves and rocks and caves and mines and Galadriel and caves and his stupid family, for hours upon hours upon hours."  
  
Well, that's just it Dad. I can't take it anymore; do you know which is a stalagmite and which is a stalactite? Well I do, "Stalactite holds tight to the ceiling" or so Gimli says. And do you know how many types of rock there are? Well, I'm not entirely sure but I'm positive Gimli told me.  
  
So I sat there, ignoring Gimli, and thought about my life, I mean is it really worth it? Every time I go to Rivendell Arwen tells me I need a wife and that she knows a lovely she elf that would be perfect for me but fails to mention that she's got three nostrils! Is that really something to remember? Is sitting through dinner while trying to work out what the extra one does, A great memory?  
  
Is having Haldir come on to me when he's drunk really one of the high points in my life? (I REALLY hope not 'cause that was really scary). Or when Galadriel wipe dirt off my face with saliva ridden handkerchief when I'm nearly 3,000 something to remember her by?  
  
And how about you? What about when you're so plastered and wandering round the palace singing `IT'S RAINING MEN` at the top of your lungs then expecting me to have a little respect for you the next day AFTER you've puked up all over my shoes? If you're not convinced I've got plenty more stories where that came from. What about the time you were losing in poker and you had nothing left to bet except the palace, your throne or me? And you bet me. And you lost! And I had to live with that weird man wearing a dress. In a shed, for a month until you won me back? Or the time you sold me to that fat guy with the red suit and the white beard and I had to make toys 24/7. I had blisters on my blisters blisters! Then you quickly got me back when that woman started asking you questions about child labour! And there's more but eternity isn't even enough time to tell the entire dirt I've got on you!  
  
But the worst thing that has ever happened to me is happening right now. With these awful people! I was HAPPY when Boromir died because I was getting freaked out by his come hither stares! And the hobbits! Need I say much? YES, I need say much! We realise that the road goes ever on but do they have to sing about it all day long? And Frodo I don't know why he doesn't go around with a sign on his back saying "I've got the Ring of power, if you ask me I'll give it to you" And Sam, Mister Frodo this and mister Frodo that. Ugh, it's really tiring having to listen to him whining on and on about how Frodo needs his rest and Frodo needs his nappy changed! Ok so I exaggerated a bit there. And Merry and Pippin I really have never met bigger idiots (Oh wait I have one as a father). Then there's Aragorn with his kingly stubble, oooohh, he's always bragging about who he got Arwen. Well, I could have had Arwen, but no I'm not one to take the first elf that gives me her immortality. (That wouldn't really work out because I'm immortal too.)  
  
And so I'm sitting here in the pouring rain surrounded by `brave` men and I'm thinking if I die I'll never be able to be king and I'll never be able to see what a drunken old fool you become. And I'll never be able too watch when Arwen becomes old and wrinkly. And I'll never be able to torture Gimli by talking about Herbal Essence or facial mud masks and I'll never be able to offer to chop off his beard and watch the look of horror he gets when I do!  
  
And so I'm not going to kill myself (that was what this was all about if you didn't get it) I'm just going to sit back and watch everyone else's life get a bad as mine while they all grow old and ugly while I stay young and pretty! Ahh, yes, I can't wait!  
  
Your loving son,  
  
Legolas  
  
  
  
And the moral of the story is nothing is perfect every ones life is crappy at times but it does get better!!! 


End file.
